From last week’s Friday Thing:

‘A third of the population regularly suffer paranoid or suspicious fears that others intend to harm them, say researchers,’ reported the Daily Mail this week. Apparently psychologists at King’s College London have found that a worryingly large proportion of people believe others intend to do them harm or are criticising them behind their backs. The research suggests that paranoia could be as widespread as depression or anxiety.

Exactly why we’re all so paranoid isn’t clear, but one explanation could well be: ‘It’s because you’re reading the Daily fucking Mail.’

The *same* edition contained the following headlines:

– Will Britons be forced to eat hormone injected beef?

– Security bosses keep terror watch on 1,200 homegrown fanatics

– Schoolgirls’ websites make them prey for paedophiles

– Migrant housing cheats

– Child protection police chief ‘throttled girls’

– The freak accident that left my son obsessed with sex

– You’re eating the WRONG fruit and veg

– IS YOUR X-RAY SAFE?

– TRAPPED IN HER BED FOR 14 YEARS

And, perhaps best of all:

– Is going to the gym BAD for your health? – Lurking on the dumbells. Hidden in the towels. The millions of killer bacteria festering in your gym.’

Yes, millions of deadly bacteria, all waiting to get you, like microscopic Viet Cong. It’s a miracle that regular Daily Mail readers don’t just kill themselves and have done – blissful release from a world of fear and loathing. Or maybe they’re happier that way. As Sparks so eloquently put it: ‘My parents say the world is cruel. I think that they prefer it cruel.’

It’s worth mentioning, too, that for the last little while, The Friday Thing has been free… I’ve always said it was worth signing up for – and that’s true now more than ever!