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The Book

I have found an accompaniment to “The Book”. It shall henceforth be known as “The Video”. It’s on archive.org.

Warning: Do not do what I did and drink whilst watching this. I nearly choked at one point (“Say, you know something?”, “No, what?”, “I had a wet dream last night.”, “Wet dream? What’s that?”). Yes kids, this is sex-ed 1950’s US style. And to think they’re having the “Abstinence Plus” debate about school sex-ed now – they were teaching a whole lot more than that back then!

If you enjoy it, then you might also like to try Are You Popular (perhaps made especially for people like…well, I wouldn’t be cruel enough to name names, but JRC knows who), and Better Use of Leisure Time, which is funny because of the way Americans say “Leisure”, amongst other things.

Have fun, and remember, don’t go parking in cars with the guys – it WON’T make you popular.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.

Can I Sue?

As everybody knows (don’t you?), David Sneddon was the winner of last year’s Fame Academy. So, when it was mentioned on Celebdaq last night that you would be surprised at what you’d find on www.davidsneddon.com, I was obivously curious and decided to have a look.

Admittedly, I was surprised, but the guest on the show was Joe Mace, children’s TV presenter. Therefore, the content I discovered was, well, not what you’d expect to be mentioned on BBC Three. Can I now sue them for destroying my mind? I suspect not.

Because I never read dialog boxes and always just click OK, I’ve managed to install some of my laptop software in Portuguese. Oops. So I’ve just typed into Google Translation the default power management option, to see if I can work out how it is setup. Apparently, I’m currently on “Maximum performance with piles”. I suspect a little has been lost in the translation.

Anyway, as no-one else want to post here right now, that’s your lot for the mo. Come back soon for much more from the world of…well…me. Or add another hit to the 12000+ already accumulated at www.sjhoward.co.uk. In the mean time, be good…or at least get good at being baaad (oo-er)! Bye!

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.


Just to share with you – my B in English is now actually an A. College rang me to let me know that there had been a clerical error at the exam board, and the module on which I got 14/90 on my results sheet should actually have been 87/90. Therefore, I have six A-grade A-Levels.

Thank you for your attention.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Exams.

A New Post!

It’s a title that’ll only be relevant the first time you visit. But at least it’s a title, and at least it is relevant to you. If this is the first time you’ve read this. Otherwise, sorry about the title, but thanks for coming back for more. Here’s a little puzzle to screw with your mind (not literally) and start my post for today…

You are on a game show. The aim of the show is to win a car. You are stood in front of three doors, one of which has a car behind it, two of which have goats behind them (for no other reason that it’s traditional in this particular puzzle). You are asked to choose a door. The presenter then opens one of the unchosen doors to reveal a goat, and asks if you want to change your mind about which of the remaining two doors you have chosen. Here is the question…Should you switch doors?

Well, the answer is yes. This fries my brain, as I couldn’t grasp the fact. I could only see that there were two doors left, one with a goat and one with a car, therefore it’s 50:50 and makes no statistical difference whether you change or not. But it does make a difference. See here for a detailed explanation as to why it matters.

What did you do on Saturday? I got hot and sweaty serving the every whim of complete strangers. I was even asked to punish one person, but had to get someone to help me (It’s not something I’m too experienced in). When one lady invited me to her car, JRC came with me to help me get it in there. But he seemed strangely quiet when she invited me back to her house, and positively ran off when we got the rope out. The joys of working at Homebase .

Sadly (not really), those joys are to soon end. I handed in my notice on Saturday. Please don’t cry. My last contracted day is Saturday 13th September. The reason for this can be summed up thus: BAAAAA. Not the bleating of a maniac murderous sheep, nor the start of a familiar refrain ending in “humbug”, but actually my A-Level grades. Yes, I did six A-Levels which classes me officially as a geek. But I’m a geek and proud. This also means that the sporadic posts here will be coming live from Stockton as of 4th October, as the good people of the North-East attempt to make me more, well, doctorish. In just five short years I could be operating on you. A thought that should, at the very least, make you think “BAAAAA!”. Unless you’re a mental patient, who might be thinking that anyway.

Joy of joys, the DTI has published HASS figures again. These are published annually, and are records of accidents people have in the home which cause them to end up in hospital. I used to rely on them heavily in my high-school years for public speaking competitions. Now I see them more as a stimulant to the medical mind. I would personally like to meet the single person who landed in hospital last year following an accident with a cape. Clothing can be hazardous, as any male who’s done their fly up too fast whilst drunk will tell you (strangely, I know on a personal level three people who have done just that). I would have been willing to bet that a sponge would be around about the safest thing in anybody’s home. Oh how we all laughed at Mr Burns’s demands for a spherical sponge so that the corners were not so painful. And yet, last year, almost three times as many people ended up in hospital from a sponge-related incident (11) than accidents with high voltage cables (4). If you’re into home security, here are some cold, hard facts: Padlocks? Pah, they only landed 13 people in hospital last year, they must be crap. And newfangled burglar alarms don’t fare much better – only 16 people hurt themselves. Try installing – dum dum dum – a doorbell. 62 people were admitted last year in doorbell related incidents, but that still doesn’t top the home security chart. Want to keep intruders well out of your home? Want to cause some Tony Martin style damage? Then equip your burglar with – a key. 87 key related incidents last year.

As I’ve used enough stats now, I’ll leave the HASS figures there. Except to wonder how 11 people injured themselves with artificial limbs. Or how 3 caused an accident with talcum powder.

For all of you people who were worried about my toe – come on, I know you’ve had sleepless nights over it – I’m happy to report that it’s feeling much better, and can now answer your questions and is happy to read your get well messages emailed to toe@sjhoward.co.uk.

You see, I’ll have a lot of sympathy for broken toes when I’m a doctor. In fact, I’ll be sympathetic to almost anyone. As long as none of the twelve people who arrived in A&E with sex or marital aid related accidents aren’t referred to me. Because then I’ll just point and laugh. Really, I’m sure I’ll be very good. Trust me, I’m a doctor (well, on my way at least).

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Exams, Homebase, Miscellaneous, University.

Prince William

The Prince is said to have crept up behind the 14-inch animal during a hunting trip last week after taking lessons from a Masai warrior….He said: ‘We took him out hunting and he crept up like we do on the first prey he saw, a fully-grown dik-dik.’

I can’t be the only one to think that the reporters at Sky are having a bit of a laugh…can I?

No Homebase yesterday , so no comment to give.

Instead of a long post, I’ll finish around about here. With one last word.


Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Media, News and Comment.

Toe Sucking

No, this is not going to be a post for the more perverted among you…or is it? Frankly, no.

I’ve hurt my toe. My little toe. And it is at the point where it has become painful to walk.

Is there any less respectable and masculine an injury than breaking your little toe? Well, possibly (breaking a nail or damaging your limp wrists, being cases in point), but I did feel something of an idiot saying that I couldn’t do my normal job at work (walking round and helping customers) because I’d hurt my toe. So instead, I went in and answered the phones.

But, alas, that was not to last. For after two hours, I was sent home as they realised that if I wasn’t supposed to walk on it (I’m not), and I did so at work, it might make it worse and I’d sue them. So I was sent home. However, they did say they’d pay me for the day, so it’s not all bad. But it was noticeable that it took three people two hours to come to this conclusion.

So, peeps, you are to be deprived of my weekly Homebase missive. Unless you count the above, which I wouldn’t if I were you. I spent the time I gained building a sidebar for my browser. If you want to see it, go here . If you don’t, don’t.

If you’re wondering how I managed to do my toe: I slipped down the stairs. I was not drunk at the time, although this has been insinuated or just asked outright by, I would estimate, 90% of those who know about my toe. How this resulted in me hurting my little toe is a mystery to me. And I was there.

I really can’t express how surprisingly painful it is. I would’ve thought that it’d only be a little pain for a little toe, but, alas, no. Having never broken anything before, I’ve nothing really to compare it to, but if pain is related to bone size then I have great sympathy for those with massive broken bones. You – at the back – stop giggling, there is nothing funny about discussing bone size. I mean, it must be agony to break your leg or something. To be honest, it’s not actually that painful, but it’s more painful than you would expect, in my opinion.

That’s about all I’m going to post right now, because I feel completely stupid, frankly. And if you were expecting some mention of sucking in this post, you will be disappointed. Sorry to get your hopes up (Really, I’m not). The pain you experienced through your disappointment is your punishment for not having sympathy for my toe.

Good day to you.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Homebase.

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