The only two jokes I’ve read on the internet recently that literally made me laugh out loud (and they’re all strangely on the same topic…):

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms — so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny — I dreamed I was skiing!”

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know who to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My penis is turning orange!” The doctor says,” Well, what do you do for a living?” The man replies, “I’m unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos.”

Originally posted on The LBSC

Those lovely peeps down at Sky News have new music from today. But I have a question – are Sky News actually trying to become a Brass Eye style parody of themselves, or does it just kind of, well, happen?

First they get new jumbo-sized graphics with swishy sound effects every time one pops up. Then they start with the “Sky” thing. Other channels have a video wall…they have the Sky Newswall (Newswall as one word, of course, who needs a space?). Other channels have a telestrator…they have a Skystrator. Other channels have had helicopters for ever…Sky now have the Skycopter. Other channels have a newsroom…they have SkyCentre.

When they were covering the hot air balloon record attempt, they had full scale sandbox animations used in front of the newswall – I mean, they had an animated concorde flying about and an animated balloon above the presenter’s head in an attempt to demonstrate relative heights. In fact, it ended up looking like a scene from Mary Poppins.

And now, to complete the package, they have totally over-the-top, over-dramatic music, even moving away from that memorable musical “do, do do do, daaaah” hook that they used to use at the TOTH . Oh well.

In other news, I have become addicted to watching people via the power of interactive webcams . I don’t know why, but I can’t stop spying on people waiting for buses or eating their lunch in a park. Help me!

Just 12 days left until I move into my new Stockton-based university-flavoured accommodation.

I saw Fight Club for the first time last night, after JRC said I must watch it or die (admittedly, he said that about 12 months ago, but never mind). Maybe I’m special – I’ll admit that this is a possibility – but I thought that the “big twist” was HUGELY predictable. Having never seen the film before, I had correctly predicted it before we were even half way through. So whilst it was a good film, I was disappointed that I had it figured out so early on. I’m not even convinced that it was designed to be a twist, but more that you were supposed to work it out and then watch the lead character as he took the whole film to work it out.

It’s my brother-in-law’s birthday tomorrow. I really don’t know why you’d want to know that, but hey. That’s it from me for now…Bye!

Originally posted on The LBSC

This is it. The end has come. The four horsemen have sailed idly by. And so have four Norsemen, the inventors of fish and chips.

I have now nearly officially left Hombase. Tomorrow is my last day. This is something I really shouldn’t dwell on, as it would upset poor, poor JRC who has no immediate plans to leave. I have much sympathy for you. For those of you who have noticed my habit from the last few posts of , whereas for those of you who haven’t, well, you won’t know and you’ll also miss out on other stuff. So ner.

Coincidentally, this happens on the same day as the last scenes of Brookside are being filmed. What does this mean? As someone who has never watched an episode of Brookside in his life, I have absolutely no idea.

It also corresponds with this, my official Silver Jubilee Post. My 25th. I’ve polluted your mind in 25 little stages.

Worst joke I’ve heard all week: A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed normally, but with his girlfriend on his back. Someone asks what he’s come dressed as. He replies “A snail”. He is then asked who his girlfriend is. “Michelle”.

Worst West Wing Joke from seasons 1 through 4: “Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast? One egg is un ouef.”

How that was relevant is unclear to me, but never mind.

Today’s Sky News vote is: “Is it socially acceptable to smoke cannabis?”. The results are around about 50:50. This surprises me, as if the question had omitted the word “cannabis”, I bet quite a large majority would have said “no”, as that’s pretty much been the result of every survey that Sky have done on the issue.

I have received a new debit card today to replace my expired one. It’s a slightly different design, and includes a leaflet telling me that there is an area on the card in which I can have printed whatever text I like, up to 15 characters, to help me to identify the card. I just have to go into my branch and order a new one with my chosen text. I cannot tell you the effort it is taking to stop me going in and ordering one with “SWIPE IF A MORON” or “IDIOTS SWIPE ME” or similar on it.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m sure I’ll return, as if from the dead, in a few days time though (as I always have before).

Originally posted on The LBSC