About me

Get new posts by email.

About me

President Clinton: Prolific Emailer

With all the fuss about governmental emails and letters highlighted by Hutton, I thought it’d be nice to take a look at our American counterparts.

The archives of the Bill Clinton Presidential library contain 40 million emails – mostly memos and notes exchanged between aides and cabinet members.

Take a guess at how many were sent by Bill Clinton in his eight years in the Oval office.


And one of them may not even count as it was sent as a test to see if the commander-in-chief understood how to send emails.

And the other? The former president sent the email to the space shuttle while in orbit around the earth (that’s the shuttle, not Bill) with the “help of Clinton staffers”.

The response to this display of technical inability? “I don’t think President (George W) Bush sends emails, either…”

That’s all better then. Because we all know that Shrub’s the best President ever. If he doesn’t understand it, it’s probably evil. In fact, it’s reasonably surprising he’s not launched a war on it.

And now for something completely different…and not a dead parrot.

I’ve put a load of my A-Level work on my website, so feel free to have a look if you think it might be helpful to you. How nice am I?

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Site Updates, Technology.

Thoughts on the Aftermath of Hutton

The BBC made a mistake in broadcasting an inaccurate report, which was unfair to the government and eventually led to the death of Dr David Kelly. Consequently, the two most senior figures have resigned, and the BBC has been heavily criticised by Lord Hutton.

The Government made a mistake in interpreting intelligence material about Iraqi weapons, and huge numbers of Iraqi and British citizens were killed as a result – including Dr David Kelly, who publically spoke out about the infamous dossier. The two most senior figures are still occupying their posts, and the government has not been criticised by Hutton.


Oh, and if you think the BBC’s bad, look at how Fox is reporting the story…Talk about hypocrisy, you really HAVE to see this…

The transcript:

My Word. Well, today the British Broadcasting Corporation was forced to pay up for its blatant anti-Americanism before and during the Iraq war – a frothing at the mouth anti-Americanism which was obsessive irrational and dishonest.

The BBC – the Beeb – was one of the worst offenders in the British press because it felt entitled to not only pillory America, Americans and George W Bush but felt entitled to lie and when caught lying felt entitled to defend its lying reporters and executives.

The incident involved the reporter Andrew Gilligan who made a fool of himself in Baghdad when the American invasion actually arrived in the Iraqi capital. Gilligan, pro-Iraqi and anti-American insisted on the air that the Iraqi military was heroically repulsing an incompetent American military. Video from our own Greg Kelly, of the American army moving through Baghdad at will put the lie to that.

After the war, back in London, Gilligan got a guy called David Kelly to tell him a few things about pre-war assessments about Iraqi weapons programmes and Gilligan exaggerated – lied – about what Kelly had told him.

Kelly committed suicide over the story and the BBC, far from blaming itself, insisted its reporter had the right to lie, exaggerate, because, well, the BBC knew the war was wrong and anything it could say to underscore that point had to be right. A British government investigation slammed the BBC today and a Beeb exec resigned today to show they got it – but they don’t. Next time you hear the BBC brag about how much superior the Brits are about delivering the news rather than Americans who wear flags in their lapels, remember it was the Beeb caught lying. My Word.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Media, News and Comment, Politics.


You can just imagine the meetings…

A – Hmm, Millionaire is our most successful gameshow format ever, but it’s getting a bit boring. Maybe we should pull it for a while.
B – Nooooo! That’d mean thinking up a new gameshow, potentially as bad as Shafted or The People Versus!
A – Why don’t we try a different prime time format that’s NOT a game show?
B – What, like reality?
A – NO, something completely different
B – Far too risky. Everyone loves Millionaire.
A – Well… can we tweak it then?
B – Hmm… Format popular worldwide… Still pulling in many viewers… Logical conclusion: Change it!
A – Now you’re talking!
B – Everyone likes Millionaire… What else do people like?
A – We always get big ratings for football
B – We do, don’t we? OK, idea of the century here… Football themed Millionaire!
A – Fan-bloody-tastic. They won’t be able to resist!

A – Hmm, Millionaire is our most successful gameshow format ever. We’ve had it pulled for a while now, shoved it on daytime, and it’s quite popular. Maybe we should resurrect it.
B – Yeeeah! That’d really be a show of solidarity with our British allies in the War!
A – Right. Let’s get Regis back and do it then.
B – But… won’t it be a bit boring?
A – Yer what?
B – Well…we’ve seen it all before.
A – What should we do then?
B – Americanize it.
A – How? Claim that we’re liberating the contestants…you know the kind of thing…you reach $32000 and we bomb your house! Reach $64000 and we kill your mother! But no worry, the money makes it all better and liberates you!
B – Might have legal problems there. I was thinking along the lines of being BIGGER.
A – Who Wants to be a Fat Millionaire? Prizes paid in Fast Food vouchers?
B – Err…No. How about… Super Millionaire!
A – Now that’s just genius.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.


This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.


I needed a toothbrush. So I went to Boots.

Good God, it was complicated. There’s an entire aisle dedicated to them. Toothbrushes! There wasn’t a single one that was ‘just’ a toothbrush. It’s overwhelming. I’ve ended up with a “Colgate Medium Massager”. I’m not sure I want my teeth massaged, but it was the cheapest one there.

I then tried to buy toothpaste, which I thought I might as well get because those Aquafresh pumps get all manked up and go crusty and ewww. So I spotted “Theramed Perfect”, which screams “Unique Stay-Clean Nozzle”. What I don’t understand is why, if it’s so perfect, there are three varieties. Sitting here, it’s occured to me that it is extremely phallic in shape. Perhaps that’s why I was drawn to it. There must be some kind of Freudian analysis to be done (We should ask our resident psychologist, John, but he seems to have died. Or, rather, his participation on here seems to have, though talking to him the other day he probably can’t type following the unfortunate American Pie-esque confusion between lubricant and superglue).

I also visited PoundWorld (just down the road from PoundLand), as it had a large sign in the window saying “SALE – Genuine Reductions throughout the store”. I saw a number of items of interest, and asked an assistant how much they were. She replied, frustratedly, that everything was £1. I asked how it was possibly a sale if everything was the same price as it had already been, and if she could show me where the genuine reductions were. She sighed and walked off. I don’t understand why.

There was one good result of my shopping. I’ve discovered the secret to milk buying…Cravendale. It lasts about three weeks unopened, and a week after you open it, so that’s marvellous. Perhaps milk shouldn’t excite me this much, but it does. I am considering phoning the Cravendale Information Line (0845 600 6688) and making lewd suggestions, it’s that good.

I’ve written a really sarcastic letter to the TV Licensing people, because they keep writing to me telling me they don’t think I’ve got a licence, and I keep ringing them and telling them I have. I’m not entirely sure if it was too much , but I think living alone is making me slowly more eccentric. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. If it makes more shop assistants give up on me and walk off, it’s probably not.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.

Back to Uni

I’ve had my first exam. How exciting. It wasn’t that bad…though it was three hours long. I have a five hour one tomorrow (help).

A small building has appeared over Christmas, which is rather impressive – I didn’t think builders were capable of operating at that speed. It hasn’t finished being decorated yet, but according to my College newsletter it will be “a social space with TVs, PCs, newspapers, magazines, coffee and tea. So that’s nice. But then, that’s what I thought the TV room was for… I suppose this is a bit bigger than the TV room though, and will have computers, so that’ll be nice.

All of this is by way of a pre-amble to the following letter, issued by Grey College up in Durham (the only college to have branded underwear, I believe). I think it needs no comment:


Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Exams, University.

Trip to Safeway

Clutching the list provided by my mother, I leapt in the car and navigated my way to Safeway, about 10 minutes or so away. This was difficult enough in itself, what with idiots being unable to indicate correctly and others who decide to slam on their brakes at the last minute, deciding in the last second that yes they do want to turn, and further idiots who decide that the speed limits don’t apply to them and so insist on driving in my boot (Don’t they know that if I get six points on my licence I have to appear before the GMC? Neither did I until recently, but that’s by-the-by. Why do these numbskulls insist on complaining to the Daily Mail when a speed camera catches them breaking the law and they get fined? The equation is simple: You EXCEED the LIMIT – yes, it’s a LIMIT – and you get a FINE. Don’t complain about the speed cameras, if you want less of them about STOP SPEEDING and they’ll soon stop erecting them because they’ll have no fines to fund them. Anyway, back to the point…)

I eventually arrive just about in one piece at Safeway, and decide to choose a parking space. I select one, and drive into it. I can’t drive into it fully, thanks to Safeway’s idea of putting trees inside rhomboidal paving areas in the middle of four adjoining spaces (I’m sure they do this just to laugh when you forget it’s there and hence think you can drive through the space in front to get out – and inevitably, you hit the kerb). Some fool then decides to pull into the space next to me – ney, he pulls half into MY space, almost preventing me from being able to get OUT of my car. Nevertheless, I soldier on.

I enter the store and select a trolley. I would complain that it had a wonky wheel, but it didn’t. It was however very wet, having been out in the rain. Why the trolley collectors are incapable of putting the dry trolleys in one column, and then placing the wet ones in another column, I’ll never know. I always used to at Homebase. Instead, they trap the only dry trolleys behind a fleet of dripping trolleys, forcing you to push a freezing, soaking metal basket around the shop.

And the first section one finds in the shop? Fruit. Why, oh why do supermarkets always have fruit near the door? It inevitably ends up at the bottom of the trolley bashed in. And it doesn’t make me want to buy more, or anything like that. It’s just another daily annoyance.

Then you try and navigate the aisles. This is made difficult by the very idea of shopping. People park their trolleys (why isn’t it trollies?) at the edges of the aisles. Once you’ve got two trolleys parked opposite each other, the aisles are simply not wide enough to get another through the middle. This fills me with trolley rage.

The first item on the list is “Benecol Yoghurt”. So I proceed with earnest to the Dairy Aisle. Yoghurt being a dairy product, this doesn’t seem an unreasonable assumption. And I was right. I was presented with a myriad of yoghurts. These were not shelved logically, for example “Plain Yoghurts” and “Fruit Yoghurts”, instead I’m forced to decide whether Benecol is an “Everyday Yoghurt”, an “Adult Yoghurt”, a “Children’s Yoghurt”, or a “Dessert Yoghurt”. I walk down this aisle five times, scanning all of the products looking for the mystical “Benecol”. I then admit defeat and ask for assistance. I am directed to “Yoghurt Drinks. When I question this logic, I’m told “It’s there because Benecol also do a Yoghurt Drink, and the Yoghurts are next to that”. I sigh, and proceed as directed, to discover that they’ve sold out of the yoghurt in question.

Item two: “One loaf of Hovis Best of Both”. I walk to the bread section, singing this to myself (I really have started talking to myself an awful lot recently, is this a sign of insanity?). I discover that there is a whole aisle dedicated to loaves of bread. Why? What can possibly be the difference between all these different types of sliced bread? Can anybody actually tell the difference between Safeway Long Life Sliced White and Warburtons White Sliced Toaster Bread? I mean, for ****’s sake, what is the difference between bread and toaster bread? It surely can’t be long before I find that spreads come with a list of “compatible breads”, or something similar. I eventually locate the Best of Both, a ridiculously overpriced product that probably has no health benefits compared to Value Sliced White, under a large sign shouting “NO BITS!”.

Even buying milk is becoming more complex, with the choices of Skimmed, Semi-skimmed, or Full cream now extended to Organic and Breakfast Milk too. WTF is Breakfast Milk? Do they feed the cows Special K or something?

I also discovered that Ainsley Harriot has brought out his own line of teabags. Why? I have no idea. I’m I the only person in the country that doesn’t associate Ainsley Harriot with teabags?

I eventually make my way to the checkout, being careful not to select one marked “Baskets Only” or “9 items or fewer” (at least they get their signs right), and load my shopping onto the conveyer belt. The assistant then decides she’ll have a lengthy conversation with another member of staff about the fact she’s only got five minutes left and she’s going out to get hammered tonight. Eventually, she decides to serve me, if I can call it that, by scanning my products and throwing them at me as I try and pack them into plastic bags. She tries to strike up conversation, saying “Oh, do you like Best of Both? Doesn’t it taste funny?”. It’s all I can do not to respond sarcastically, saying that I hate it. I just smile and say yes. The transaction is completed, and I’m handed a receipt which must have taken half the Brazillian rainforests to produce, what with its Petrol Payback voucher and other extraneous bits and bobs.

I then push my trolley to the car, and load my stuff into the boot. I then walk half way home trying to find a trolley park to dump my trolley, before hopping in the car and trying to go home. Why trying? Because I sensibly follow the arrows to the Exit only to find that they don’t actually lead to the exit. I challenge anyone who lives in Southport to visit Safeway, and follow the exit arrows. You eventually come to one that point that opposite way to that you are driving. They do not make sense. So after a tour of the car park, I give up and just drive in the general direction of the exit.

I leave, kindly allowing someone out in front of me, and make my way home with a newfound hate, deeper than ever, for supermarket shopping. But then I go and check my brand spanking new sjhoward.co.uk Teapot Mail account and order is restored.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.

Most Entertaining Site of Today

This post was filed under: Miscellaneous.


For the few of you that care – and I know you exist, because I’ve had more than 100,000 hits – I’ve redesigned my website yet again. Because I was bored. Visit it at www.sjhoward.co.uk

Thank you.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This post was filed under: Site Updates.

The content of this site is copyright protected by a Creative Commons License, with some rights reserved. All trademarks, images and logos remain the property of their respective owners. The accuracy of information on this site is in no way guaranteed. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author. No responsibility can be accepted for any loss or damage caused by reliance on the information provided by this site. Information about cookies and the handling of emails submitted for the 'new posts by email' service can be found in the privacy policy. This site uses affiliate links: if you buy something via a link on this site, I might get a small percentage in commission. Here's hoping.