In The Times Luxury newsletter this week, Kate Reardon wrote:

A lifetime ago, when I was editor of Tatler, I got into terrific trouble. I gave the Speech Day address at a girls’ boarding school in the Cotswolds (I did a lot of that sort of thing at the time — being editor of Tatler gives you the status of, if not a minor royal, then at least a non-royal duchess) and I said something that caused a bit of a stir.

It was along the lines of this: manners can be much more important than academic results (outside an ever-decreasing list of licensed professions). It’s a ticklish business, but bear with. Good manners will make people like you. If they like you, they will help you and, more importantly, they will want to work with you. I’m not talking about some weird etiquette like using the correct spoon for soup or eating asparagus with your left hand. I’m talking about being polite, respectful and making people feel valued.

A few years ago, I would have inwardly nodded while reading those paragraphs and moved on with my day. Yet in 2024, in the forty-eight hours or so since I read them, a debate has been raging between different parts of my brain.

My first reaction is strongly negative: Reardon’s is a privileged take which gives preference to people who adhere to a narrow set of cultural norms. It’s difficult to see someone with a strong regional accent and an underprivileged background being judged as polite by Reardon’s yardstick, let alone people from entirely different cultures. It reminds me of being at a House of Lords event and finding it deeply weird and confusing to be asked where I went to school, until it clicked, days later.

My second reaction is the opposite: there are many different ways to make people feel valued, and to act with politeness, respect, and consideration. Anyone can be nice—there’s really no class or cultural issue to be found.

My third reaction is disgust: this is a posh woman proudly declaring that she tells young girls that their agreeability is more important than their education. That is… problematic to say the least.

My fourth reaction is anxiety: it’s true that being nice is a useful quality in life regardless of gender. Is my disgust an inappropriate and revealingly prejudiced response to the writer’s identity rather than the content of her ideas?

I no longer know what to think.

The image at the top of this post was generated by DALL·E 3.