Given my hatred for all forms of desecration of the English language, imagine my mirth at the following tale of woe…

The Territorial Army started a “Get Fitta” campaign recently, registering the domain name www.GetFitta.com. Nothing funny there.

The TA were very confused, then, when the majority of the hits were coming from Sweden. Why? Because “Fitta” is Swedish for…well…click here and find out. And while you’re there, just stare in awe at the fact that anybody actually wrote that page. You really can find anything on the internet. Apart from www.GetFitta.com which has now been taken down. Wonder why?

There was one domain name registration story this week that was even funnier.

Italy has its own fork lift truck charger battery manufacturer called Powergen. (Can you see where I’m going with this?) To distinguish themselves from the English Powergen electricity supplier, they tagged “Italia” onto their name. They now own the somewhat unfortunate domain www.powergenitalia.com

Well it amused me.

Just as a final thought (very Jerry Springer), the first Icelandic version of the old email Nigerian 419 scam has started circulating. It contains the text:

“I am not a Nigerian and this proposal has no liking as such. I therefore politely but seriously request that you do not treat this as one of these junks you may have heard about.”

That’s me convinced…

Originally posted on The LBSC

Given that nobody’s posted recently, I thought that it was about time I explained why I haven’t…though I can’t speak for the others. In my case, it’s because I’m a lazy git. No, really. Anybody want to join me?

Originally posted on The LBSC

Someone explain to me how a phone vote can be void? I mean, COME ON! Isn’t the real story here that over 100,000 people who read the Daily Mail are so damn stupid that they can’t even manage to vote in a simple poll without messing it up?!? Or is this a case of reducing the number of “No” votes through a bit of figure fiddling? No, the DM has too much honesty and integrity to do that. Yeah right.

Originally posted on The LBSC

This is a political rant, and is therefore inherently boring. Feel free not to read it.

Patient Contracts with NHS

This is IMHO, the most stupid idea of all time. I’m talking seriously stupid. Refusing to treat fat people unless they agree to lose weight? Refusing to treat smokers unless they stop? Come on, what’s next – refusing to treat car crash victims unless they stop driving?

I for one am very anti-smoking, and, yes, it costs the NHS billions a year to treat smokers. It just so happens that smokers more than cover our expenses by being the most highly taxed people in the country. So why refuse them treatment? I may be anti-smoking, but I am not naive enough to think that heavy smokers can easily give up, and it’s not right to refuse them treatment because of it.

Virtually every case seen by a doctor is affected by lifestyle. If we go down this path, they’ll be nothing that ever gets treated for free. But at least we’ll have more cash for unjust wars.

Stupid Students

Regular readers of my rants will know my feelings on the Daily Mail. But please tell me how they can, in the space of a month, refer to students using the term ‘The best and the brightest’ in one article, and then use the headline ‘Students are Stupidest Ever’ in another? Maybe I’m just too stupid to understand…

Church of England getting power to fire gays

This is wrong. It shouldn’t happen. People’s lifestyle choices shouldn’t affect their jobs. And anyone who claims that it is wrong for gays to work in the Church because the Bible forbids sodomy should also be stoning prostitutes to death. It isn’t going to happen. If it could only accept the over-arching message of doing good to humankind the Church could once again become relevant and popular. Until it does, it is doomed.

UN team tours Iraq nuclear site

Can’t help feeling that if they’d been given the time to do this six months ago the world would be a better place.

Iraq Dossier Crap

We shouldn’t have gone to war, most people were against it, Bliar lies to try and convince us. Surprising? No.

But continuing to lie to cover up what happened, or if not lie then at least bend the truth, it’s stupid. Has he not learned from the fact that no-one knew whether he could be trusted before we went to war. How does he expect to win an election in two years’ time? Pixie magic? Or will he just ‘spin’ the results, saying that no-one voted for him but the 75% of the apathetic public who don’t get off their asses to vote clearly support him, so he should stay in power?! I wouldn’t be surprised.

You’re still reading this?

I’m surprised. I didn’t expect anyone to stay with me this far in. I’ve just got in a rant mood and I’m pretty much sure that most people will be bored by now. But you’re not, clearly. So I’ll finish with something positive…

Most Men Happy with Prosthetic Penis

70% of surveyed men who have had prosthetic penises (or “spongy body implants”) are happy with them, and over 50% successfully had sex within eight weeks of having the operation. That, I think, is really good news. We don’t often hear much about the prosthetic penis, maybe I should start a campaign to get the work more recognised. That’s a fantastic success rate, though I can’t help wondering about the other 30%…

Rant over for now…

Originally posted on The LBSC

A summary of work yesterday through a series of customer induhvidual quotes, cow-orker quotes (Dilbert references, not typos) and one anecdote:

Induhvidual Quotes:

• “This is ridiculous, I pay a pound for a trolley then have to take it all the way back to the trolley park?”
• “You think your problems are bad? Imagine you’re a Siamese twin, your twin is gay, you’re not, he has a date tonight and you’ve only got one arse” (I’ll admit that I was somewhat unsure of how to respond to that, it was never covered in training)

Cow-orker Quotes:

• “Hurry up or I’ll have to whip you with some scotia.” (I think I’m right in saying that Sir Fat Tony was a witness to that one)
• “There’s a new drugs trend in Yorkshire of injecting directly into the mouth for a quicker hit. It’s been dubbed E-by-gum” (Funny in itself, but I don’t think he realised it was a joke till I laughed)
• “I’m going home now. You’re not.”

Anecdote:

We had a letter of complaint. Somebody wrote to say that they came in and somebody followed them “smilling like a chaser cat [sic]”. They went on to say that when they got home, this “smilling” shop assistant was “flying above the gardon [sic]”. At least, that’s the general gist of it – it descended into indecipherable word lists in parts. This particular letter was from a former employee who went psyhco (literally) while working for us, and got fired after threatening staff with scissors as he thought he was going to be locked out of the shop. We now receive regular letters of complaint from him, as he wants ‘justice’ for being unfairly fired. Despite the fact that he’s mad. So next time I say that place drives me mad…well…maybe it’s true…

Originally posted on The LBSC

I would have called this “Filling the Hole”, but that would’ve been too obvious, especially for the first post of the month.

So…it’s Sunday morning, and I’m not in bed. Depressing. Though not as depressing as having an exam on Tuesday afternoon and not understanding a single word of it . That’s the fate of those foolish people who fail to revise maths until the last minute. I should know – I’m one of them (and not the only one).

This seemed like a good idea before I started, now I’m realising that I really have nothing interesting to say, and I’m beginning to wonder if I should bail out now?

I watched the West Wing September 11th special that I downloaded this morning. I was reasonably surprised that, in fact, it didn’t even mention 9/11. Still, it was entertaining and interesting, even if it was blatant American edutainment on the subject of Islamic extremist terrorism. Cheery stuff. Aaron Sorkin does a great job writing the show, but there really are groan-worthy educational parts. Like, “Oh, I just realised, I don’t understand the census”…”Here, let me explain it to you in patronising terms that even the lowest common denominator of American society will understand”. Paraphrasing, of course.

I’ve also downloaded and watched Survivor Amazon, which was extremely entertaining, simply because the American contestants actually play the game instead of being nice to each other. Blatant backstabbing and gratuitous nudity from the two models on the show are regularly used to help win the game. The danger is real too, with several serious injuries – unlike our UK versions where we have to have fake danger so that no-one gets hurt. The Daily Mail would be up in arms even more than usual if someone was hurt on TV seemingly for entertainment’s sake.

The Daily Mail is still the most entertaining paper out there, just because it takes itself so seriously. It’s holding its own “Referendum” (read phone-in poll) on the issue of Europe and the new European Constitution. But wait – instead of asking the real question of whether or not people support it, they back away and ask if people think there should be a referendum instead – otherwise, the vote may have opposed their viewpoint and then they’d look silly. Because it’s obviously logical to stage a referendum on whether or not the country wants a referendum.

Changing tack slightly – GTA III . However much I am told it is entertaining, I still fail to see it. I don’t “get” where the entertainment part starts. Admittedly, I’ve only given it about five minutes of gameplay, but it seems to be driving round from place to place in a car, occasionally getting out of it and stealing someone else’s, whilst simultaneously having a choice of thirty-seven thousand different radio stations that would be mildly amusing if they didn’t actually sound like Homebase fm , the ultimate radio parody. Anyone who can stand the clearly automated service that claims to broadcast live whilst having really tedious links like “That’s such a great song don’t you think?” every three seconds should…well…buy a satellite dish and point it at INTELSAT 601, orbital location 27.5 degrees West, or 332.5 East, Transponder 64 on 11502 GHz audio 7.38 and listen to it for the full twelve hours a day. And if that annoying woman says “Hi, I’m Lynn Parsons” again…Why can’t anybody realise that what she really means is “Hi, I’m Lynn Parsons, and I’m stuck in this dead end job on Homebase fm, but give me half a chance and I could be a decent presenter. Please, you, Mr Radio Exec in here buying a few screws (cos we all know you can’t get them anywhere else) give me a job. I’m begging you!” They probably have no aircon either.

I’m beginning to think that bailing out four paragraphs ago would have been a good idea. Plus I’m growing inanely bored. So I’m going to stop now.

It’s OK, you can open your eyes now, I’ve finished.

Originally posted on The LBSC