After Michael Howard criticising Mr Blair over security at ports, he produced the following manifesto pledge:

First of all we will take proper control of our borders. We will ensure 24-hour surveillance at our ports, and restore full embarkation controls. Border security is currently divided between seven different bodies reporting to three different cabinet ministers.

This fails to mention what Mr Letwin was forced into admitting: that the Conservatives were only going to provide twenty-four hour security for the twenty-four busiest ports. Leaving over 600 without 24-hour security. Which is hardly ‘taking proper control of our borders’.

Alistair Campbell this time, with some nasty negative campaigning.

Well there it is – the Tories have published their manifesto today and all around you can almost hear the country’s civil servants asking “how on earth do we turn that into a policy programme for government?”

Thin or what?

Well they never managed to turn your 2001 manifesto into a policy programme for government, did they Alistair? After all, you made lots of commitments in that which you’ve completely failed to keep, and several that you’ve done a complete U-turn on. So I don’t think you can start insulting other party’s manifestos when you can’t even live up to your own pitifully low standards. And I notice that you chose the word ‘thin’ very carefully, since you’re about to launch the smallest manifesto in British electoral history, what with it being pocket-size and all.

I suggest we move on. Moving on is something you’re keen to do, after all.

But more than that, the Tory “manifesto” is dangerous. Economically dangerous above all. As Tony and Gordon said yesterday, you cannot cut tax and increase spending and reduce borrowing with the same money at the same time.

I think you’re a bit simple. I don’t necessarily agree with the Conservative economic plans, but I do know that they’ve been fully costed, and, unlike Labour’s plans, several economic experts agree with their proposals.

How can you cut tax, increase spending, and reduce borrowing, all at the same time? By reducing government waste, and then splitting the money you save between those three policies. Was that difficult to understand? Probably not enough spin on it for you.

I remember the agonies we went through in opposition to make sure Labour policies stacked up and the sums added up. It is apparent that Mr Howard and the ludicrous Letwin have shown nothing like the rigour Tony and Gordon did back in 1997.

Such agony that you promised not to raise taxes, and then – erm – did. That doesn’t sound much like a policy that adds up to me. And it’s nice to see that you made all of your policies add up in 1997. Did you not bother in 2001, or indeed this time?

The Tory manifesto, the thinnest in history, confirms that the Tories intend to fight a totally negative, small bore campaign focusing on a series of negative messages and without even an attempt to put a positive vision for the future.

Point to the positive vision that you’ve emailed me up to now, and I’ll give you a banana.

It is a campaign based on fear and grievance.

This from the party that says that our whole country is at risk if we vote Conservative. That sounds like a campaign based on fear to me. And is it not right for the opposition to have grievance with the government? Most of the people of this country have.

You can see it from their posters and the messages that come pouring out of Mr Howard, his hidden away Shadow Cabinet and “immigrant” Australian campaign managers.

Hidden away members of the party? Doesn’t that describe you? Hidden away until your role in the election was exposed? And what about the internet guru who’s registed Michael Howard domain names, and was shamed in America for comparing George W Bush to Hitler? The Labour party won’t even tell us what he’s doing!

To call the Tory party campaign managers ‘immigrants’ is a cheap shot and you know it. The Conservative party, whose immigration policity I personally abhor, are not saying that immigration should halt, which is the myth you are helping to perpetuate. They have different, some think more sensible, policies than you. That does not mean that your policy is better, and it doesn’t mean that their’s is better. It invites reasoned comparison. Not dishonest lies.

And which memebers of the Shadow Cabinet have been hidden away? I’ve seen most of them on a number of political shows. If anybody’s hiding a member of the cabinet, then it’s your party hiding it’s head, by featuring him on only a handful of election materials.

But the Labour Party can still take nothing for granted. The Tories have a lot more money than we do. They have more for posters, more for campaign materials, more for organisation.

So the Conservatives can actually do some things better?

They have several newspapers led by the vile (interestingly an anagram of evil) Daily Mail willing to pour out free pro-Howard propaganda and ridiculous anti-Labour bile for them.

The Daily Mail is vile? Was it vile when it supported you vociferously in 1997? Was it vile when you took nearly every policy cue from them? Or is this a new development, now it’s gone all Conservative on you?

So we have to use every way we can to get over positive messages about our record and above all our future programme for a third term if we are elected.

Well you’re not doing very well. I have yet to hear anything positive from you. Everything has been a slur on the Conservatives. Even your election slogan is a dig, with it’s ‘not back’ tag.

Party election broadcasts are a well known way of trying to get over a message during the campaign. Tonight the first is aired. It focuses on our greatest strength, the economy, and does so by recording a series of conversations between Tony and Gordon. They are the two main architects of New Labour and drivers of progress in the last eight years.

I was supposed to believe they were spontaneous conversations? That whole broadcast was a joke. It couldn’t have been a more clearly crafted attempt to show Blair and Brown as united if you’d put up a caption saying ‘We’re not fighting’. And nobody believes it. In fact, nobody believes anything Labour says any more. And, hilariously, that’s largely your fault.

Watch it. Get your friends to watch it. I defy anyone who does to say afterwards that Mr Howard and Mr Letwin should take over from them.

It didn’t even begin to show anything that would make me favour Mr Blair over Mr Howard, or indeed Mr Brown over Mr Letwin. It did provide some light entertainment though, with the poor acting and Mr Blair’s steely resolve not to smile. After all, the focus groups don’t like smiling.

Best wishes,
Alastair Campbell

I don’t think I even need to reiterate my personal feelings about you. The worst aspect of your nature is that you’re not even very good at what you do, as I’ve detailed before. You symbolise everything that’s wrong with Labour. But, just in case you’ve forgotten, here’s what I think of your role in the election campaign.

I said it then, and I’ll say it now. Labour should be ashamed to have you back on board, and it can do nothing but harm to their campaign.

Today’s swing figure:

» 3.80% swing to the Conservatives «

There are two new polls out today, with very conflicting messages: The ICM/Mirror/GMTV poll puts Labour five points ahead, whereas the Telegraph/YouGov poll has Labour and the Conservatives in a dead heat. The secret swing formula brings all this out at a 3.8% swing to the Conservatives, which is certainly not as high as a few days ago. A 3.8% swing would reduce Mr Blair’s majority to the mid-nineties, and wouldn’t really be seen as particularly damaging. However, the sampling for these two latest polls was conducted over the last few days when there was no campaigning happening, which I think probably favours Labour naturally. But I could be wrong. We’ll see.

I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes or so with Ian’s Shoelace Site, relearning how to tie my shoelaces with the Ian Knot and Ian Secure Knot. And, believe it or not, I actually think it was time well spent. So thank you, Ian, for making such an interesting site, and teaching me the world’s fastest shoelace knot.

Five are, apparently, going to show a forty-five minute programme in prime time exploring the origins of communism. Narrated in Russian. Where on Earth does that fit into the three F’s?

For a moment, I thought that they might actually be trying to dumb-up their TV programmes. Then I realised that this was the first in a series of six, clearly designed for nothing more than publicity purposes. With reference to a programme later in the series, the producer said

The producer had to explain to Germaine Greer that the viewers did not necessarily know what a misogynist is.

Is it possible to do anything other than smile at Five’s attempts to become respectable?

Today’s swing figure:

» 3.27% swing to the Conservatives «

A weekend without campaigning has been quite damaging for Mr Howard, increasing Mr Blair’s predicted majority to about 102. However, with the election campaign stepping up a gear on Monday, and with no more predicted gaps in campaigning, Mr Howard should be able to build on his good results of last week. He just needs to keep up the pressure.

If this kind of figure continues, however, and proves not to be a minor blip, then there may have to be some big changes to the Conservative strategy. I’m fairly sure this is just as a result of the lack of weekend campaigning, though, so Mr Blair shouldn’t be getting too excited quite yet.

The whole Rover crisis (latest here) will doubtless play a major role in the upcoming election for the marginal seats surrounding Longbridge, and so the ‘B’ team (Brown and Blair) will doubtless be doing their best to help people to keep their jobs.

From what I’ve seen thus far of their handling of this crisis, though, they’ve bungled it. Badly. From the moment Patricia Hewitt announced that the company had called in the administrators when, in fact, they hadn’t, it was obvious that the government wouldn’t handle this whole crisis well. As far as I can see, this government has never been terribly good in a crisis – it’s suffered a battering through fuel protests, handled foot-and-mouth frankly terribly, invaded countries under false pretences, and the PM has stayed on his hols whilst tens of thousands are dying in the biggest tsunami in living history. And yet people still rate him as good in a tough spot. I would suggest that this is more because he is in power than because of anything he’s actually done.

Anyway, back to matters at hand. I’m not entirely sure on what I see as the ‘right’ course of action in this situation: Should Rover be supported with tax-payers money? Probably not. But should thousands be left jobless because of a government’s wish not to get involved? Probably not. And would Tony and Co. suffer from not being seen to be helping? You bet. So what’s the right course of action? Beats me.

I’d like to think I’d stick to my principles, and let the people be made jobless, rather than electioneering. That might seem a little under-compassionate for the families who would suffer, but governments can’t be bowing to companies to avoid job losses, or we’re no longer living in a democracy. Why should Rover get handouts just because the company is threatened with closure? Would other companies then get handouts if they announce they’re to up and leave to China? It’s a bad precedent to set.

That’s the position I’d like to take, but I think it would be very difficult. The government will be criticised for whatever it does in this situation, so I think it’s probably best to just leave them to find a way through this, and live with the outcome. I’ve said what I felt needed to be said, and unless they do something spectacularly stupid, I won’t be posting any criticism of their actions on this in future.

Well, actually, knowing me, I almost certainly will, but hey-ho, I can do that, because I’m not in government… and therefore I’m in a much easier position than them!

This is certainly marvellous news – the two have finally formalised their long-standing relationship and, whilst it leaves a number of questions unanswered about the future of the monarchy, it allows Camilla to take her place in the Royal Family. Just as when the wedding was announced, I wish Charles and Camilla all the best for the future.

Today’s swing figure:

» 4.67% swing to the Conservatives «

A slight dip for the Conservatives today after a day with no campaigning. Clearly, they need to keep the pressure up for the rest of the campaign.

I’ve categorised this as a review, but it’s not strictly one… More of a preview, really, and an update on what I’ll be reading over the coming weeks and months.

I’ve just embarked upon the journey that is reading this tome. At almost 1100 pages of small type face and reduced margins it’s easily the longest book I’ve read in my life to date, and I have no desire to even contemplate tackling it all in one go, as I think I’d probably go insane attempting to do so.

But it’s certainly a case of ‘So far, so good’ at this point: The bit I’ve read of it so far appears to be absolutely excellent – the second chapter is possibly the best, most accurate, and most linguistically skilled chapters of any book I can remember.

For the near future, as my first interruption to Infinite Jest, I intend to give my brain a rest and Dan ‘dull and predicable’ Brown another chance to attempt to impress, as he so utterly failed earlier this year with Angels and Demons and the now ubiquitous The Da Vinci Code. I’m almost hoping it will be another ‘450 pages of irritatingly gripping tosh’, as I’m just feeling ready for something like that right now.

We’ll see how this all plays out.

In the mean-time, if you want to buy a copy of Infinite Jest at a very competitive price (very possibly the best on the ‘net), then you know where to click. For a gentle reminder, move your eyes to the right, slightly. It might seem quite expensive, but you have to remember that it is (by my guestimate) almost two-and-a-half inches thick. So it’s not going to fit through your letterbox, just to warn you in advance.

You can expect a review of one of the above a few weeks from now, and the other a few years from now – or so it seems – so keep your browser firmly locked on to sjhoward.co.uk