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‘The X Factor Final’ Liveblog

Yes, you read that title right. And why not? I’ve liveblogged Eurovision before, after all.

Anyway, I’m late, so will get started…

Live   @ 9:30pm

So that’s it for another year, and for another Liveblog. My first in a couple of years. It’s been fun. I’ve been Simon. Thanks to all who read it. And the non-existent behind the scenes crew. Blah blah blah. Yada yada yada.

Goodnight.

Live   @ 9:29pm

The other contestants come on to mob Matt in some kind of insane singing challenge. Did they not learn from the Must be the Music finale? That was a TV talent contest I invested more in. I remember Emma’s Imagination. I doubt I’ll remember Matt in a few month’s time.

Live   @ 9:27pm

But, he’s not singing it badly, as previously discussed last time he sang it. All of fifteen minutes ago.

Live   @ 9:26pm

The audience appear to have been supplied with some kind of glow stick to wave not entirely in time. Makes me feel lightly nauseated.

Live   @ 9:25pm

Debut single “When We Collide”? Eh? I thought it was called Many of Horror?

Live   @ 9:24pm

Matt feels ‘weird’. ‘Really weird’. Not so weird that he can’t sing again. I can barely contain my excitement.

Live   @ 9:23pm

Rebecca, who’s apparently dressed in a Christmas cracker, is happy too. Apparently.

Live   @ 9:23pm

Matt’s happy. Dannii’s happier. After all, they can’t axe the judge with the title, can they?

Live   @ 9:22pm

It was Matt. There are fireworks.

Live   @ 9:22pm

My lovely girlfriend has arrived. She didn’t get an Orff cantata when she entered, so don’t know why those guys do. I think she thinks I’m slightly insane for liveblogging this. She thinks it is going to be Rebecca. I don’t know or care.

Live   @ 9:21pm

I feel so disinvested here. I really am not bothered either way.

Live   @ 9:20pm

We’re moments away from the “crowning”. I’m seriously hoping there will be a crown. I will be disappointed if there isn’t a crown with an X-shaped stone in the front.

Live   @ 9:20pm

More ads.

First up… Queen musical in Manchester. Don’t care.

Then Estee Lauder. Don’t care.

Andrex advert with the CGI dog. Travesty. Fluffy puppy was much better.

Bloody awful M&S ad which is seriously off-trend. “Don’t put a foot wrong this Christmas” – seriously, if anybody’s worried about going “wrong” at Christmas, they’re seriously not enjoying the season.

XBox Kinect again. One of those things that has just passed me by. Don’t think I’m that in touch with the console Zeigeist any more.

Trailer for “A Night of Heroes”. Odd choice…

And we’re back.

Live   @ 9:15pm

Leona’s clip in the competition clip makes us all realise how lacklustre this final is… and how they don’t have a Christmas tree up.

Live   @ 9:13pm

I know I’m flipping subjects here – but is this apparent amazon attack planned to co-incide with this final to disrupt their share of their the X Factor winner’s single sales?

Live   @ 9:11pm

“There was more of them than us”

Really?

Live   @ 9:10pm

More interestingly – back in the real world – all European Amazon websites are down. Probably related to Wikileaks I’d guess. Not so resilient now, it seems!

Live   @ 9:09pm

Well that didn’t improve things much! It’s Take That. For the fifty-sixth time this series.

Live   @ 9:07pm

Ok, I can’t actually sit and watch this… I’m skipping forward those eight minutes to catch up with you!

Live   @ 9:00pm

Rebecca’s single now. I’m losing the will to live. Is this a Duffy cover? I think it might be. I’m not a Duffy fan at the best of times, but this is dreary. I’m guessing it’ll crescendo into a Winners Single Ending (TM), but I actually don’t care.

Live   @ 8:58pm

I should explain that I’m now eight minutes behind via V+… I needed a break!

Live   @ 8:57pm

An emotional ‘family’ VT. It’s easy to be derogatory about these, but I’m sure they’re actually quite meaningful to the contestants, so it’s hard to argue too much.

Danni saying nice things – less significant.

Live   @ 8:48pm

A review of Matt’s best bits reveals that there are few to speak of. Though his “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” cover was pretty good.

Live   @ 8:46pm

If they’d kept it more like the original, this might actually have had some credibility. Was a pretty good performance, though, all in all. Wouldn’t buy it, but might not turn the radio off…

Live   @ 8:43pm

A Biffy Clyro cover? Really? Didn’t see that coming!

Live   @ 8:41pm

Two different winner’s singles this year. How very sensible.

Matt is up first. Isn’t he just a slightly less irritating Olly Murs / Shayne Ward / Will Young? What am I missing?

Live   @ 8:40pm

Ooh, more ads. Good-oh.

It’s Barclays. With Stephen Merchant. Before he did this, I would’ve said it would be impossible to get lower than being a side-kick to Ricky Gervais. But new depths have been plumbed.

Then Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury’s at Christmas.

Next, the terribly dubbed McDonalds Christmas ad.

Ooh, then the cute John Lewis one with the Ellie Goulding soundtrack. It’s everything M&S’s Christmas ad should have been. But so clearly wasn’t.

Then a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes one I haven’t actually seen before, and have no desire to see again. It seems it has its own Facebook page, though.

British Gas are wanting to give me more control over my energy bills, apparently. I thought bills were something I had to pay, without much control, but apparently British Gas don’t require people to pay bills anymore. Or at least, that’s what I took from that ad.

Sainsbury’s returns with more of a Nectar focus, with that Tesco jibe about “spending points right up until Christmas”.

XBox Kinect – who gives a damn?

Then, as if in response to that comment, a trailer for a Kerry Katona docusoap.

And we’re back.

Live   @ 8:35pm

And, returning to a bit of Carl Orff, are Matt and Rebecca. A guy with “a unique voice”, and a girl with “a unique voice”.

Live   @ 8:33pm

Apparently, “this is just the beginning for these boys”. Is that not what is said every week, as every act leaves?

Live   @ 8:33pm

The acts return to the familiarly butchered strains of an Orff cantata, which I’m sure a whole generation knows only as “that X Factor music”.

Bookies’ favourite Matt goes through first. Followed by Rebecca.

One Direction out of the competition, and with a screening of their highlights we realise that it really is impossible to write a story arc about a group that can be communicated in 60 second VTs on a weekly basis, hence groups will always be at a disadvantage.

The clips from performances also remind us that there are only two of the group that can actually sing. Not that that’s ever been a barrier to chart success for a group before.

Live   @ 8:29pm

It’s time to announce who’s finished third. By which I mean, it’s time to start the drawn out process of thinking about announcing who’s coming third.

Live   @ 8:28pm

And now another ad break. What was it, £25 million they’ve sold this weekend’s ads for?

Lloyds TSB up first, ah ah ah ah ah ah, etc. Irritating in the extreme.

Then a Chanel No 5 number, which is actually quite good, in a filmaking sense.

Ah ah ah ah ah, the Lloyds ad is back.

YSL with something to light up my face. A bulb?

Some kind of driving game next. GT5, only on PS3.

Cheryl up now with something for L’Oreal. Wouldn’t have been allowed a couple of years ago given that she’s in the main programme, but allowed under new ad rules.

Gulliver’s Travels featuring Jack Black. There’s a cultural low point.

Ah ah ah ah ah, the Lloyds people won’t die!

YSL back with a magnet. Or something.

Ah ah ah ah ah, Lloyds back again. Argh!

And we’re back.

Live   @ 8:24pm

The lines are frozen. So are my feet.

Live   @ 8:23pm

Now the customary live performance by the ‘bad’ people. Sigh. The thing is, it’s actually more entertaining than watching One Direction drone out a Natalie Imbruglia cover.

Live   @ 8:21pm

It’s time for a review of the bad people now.

It’s a shame, they dropped this last year. I thought it was maybe progress. I thought we were moving to celebrating diversity, or something, or at least not just openly laughing at people in front of a baying crowd. But it seems not. It’s back this year.

Haha, look, deluded people being mocked on national TV, whilst being booed by a huge crowd.

Live   @ 8:18pm

And now for another recap. Not just a recap of tonight’s performances, it seems, but last night’s too, including that odd Rebecca performance where she was on a rotating podium – that’s one way of making her move, I guess.

I can honestly say that I don’t care who wins this. That isn’t like me. I’m not trying to say I’m above it, I usually like someone in the X Factor final more than the others, but tonight, honestly, I don’t give a toss.

Live   @ 8:15pm

Lots of short paragraphs in that last entry, weren’t there? Someone once told me that single-sentence paragraphs were a sign of a poorly developed argument. Perhaps that’s true.

Live   @ 8:14pm

Louis thinks Rebecca is proof that nice people can do well. Talk about damning with faint praise.

Dannii’s talking about Rebecca’s “inner diva”, and how she’s externalised it. Sounds painful.

Simon thinks the song choice is “brilliant”, and the performance “stunning”. Can’t say I’m stunned.

And Cheryl said something about shooting stars or something. I stopped listening, I’ll be honest.

Coleen Rooney thought it was good, as did the Mayor of Liverpool. Which is praise indeed, given their musical credentials.

Live   @ 8:11pm

So, the VT promised a lot.

Oh look, she’s stood on a podium again. Slightly smaller podium than last night, and considerably smaller than Wand Erection’s platform. The cynic in me would say it’s a staging technique to take away from the fact that neither One Direction nor Rebecca can dance.

That’s a little unfortunate, given that Rebecca’s doing a dance song. Well, a dance-ish version of the Eurythmics Sweet Dreams. Luckily, she’s surrounded by dancers, but oddly, it just makes her look more static.

Live   @ 8:09pm

Next, Cheryl tells us the “absolutely stunning” Rebecca Ferguson is coming up. And we get yet another VT of her highlights so far, and lots of talking about how “amazing” this is.

Live   @ 8:08pm

So, half an hour late! That’s interesting for a LiveBlog. Apologies.

So far, we’ve heard a lacklustre group performance, a lacklustre Matt performance, a lacklustre Wand Erection performance with gender references irritatingly partially changed, a lot of screaming, and not much else.

So that’s where we are so far.

This 1,425th post was filed under: LiveBlogs, Media, , , , , .

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